....I decided to go public

Why in the world would I want to tell my story all over the internet? Especially when, at this point in the journey, it's mostly hurt, disappointment, and regret?

It could be misconstrued that I'm looking for pity. (OK maybe a little. C'mon we can acknowledge I'm in a pickle and a little sympathy never hurt, right?)

Or encouragement. (I'm happy to report that I have received no hate mail....yet. I have been showered with optimism and love and I savor every bit!)

While I might get a little dose of those me-centered benefits, that's not the reason. Telling a story, sharing a message, proclaiming something larger than myself has been a whisper in my heart for several years. I've known there is a message I'm supposed to relay. Something that must be shouted from the roof tops. Seriously...It's like I need to YELL the message, but nothing comes out. I don't have the words.  I don't remember exactly when or how it started. There was no neon sign, nor burning bush. No person telling me I should do it, nor revelation-filled dream. Simply this desire, an urge, a warm feeling that when I meditate upon it, grows and swells until I have emotion-filled tears. Not happy. Not sad. Just emotion.

So if this has been brewing for years, why now? I guess I'm getting tired of being scared. I'm tired of fearing failure.I'm tired of hearing me "yeah but" myself with all the reasons I "can't".

But mostly, I'm tired of ignoring God.

All my "can'ts" and "won'ts" and fears and rationalizations have not extinguished the fire. It comes back. every. time. I've distracted it with my job as a counselor. I've diverted it with going back to school. I've hushed it with busyness, relationships, and even laziness. Yet it remains.

That's the Holy Spirit. That's not my desire. It's God's. And it's taken me years to acknowledge Him.

Now, it's time to obey.

About this time last year, I prayed intentionally and passionately for God's direction. I knew I wasn't in the right "forever" job. I knew there was something "next" for me but couldn't formulate a plan. I told Him I wanted to do His will. I asked Him to rid me of myself. I wanted Him to guide me, use me, take me where He knows is best.

Then came the break-up. Then came chaos at work. That's NOT what I had in mind!! Ugh....

If there's some big message I'm supposed to be shouting, it makes sense that it should be THIS story. This redemption story. As it unfolds.

There are times, I am EXCITED to see what He's got in store! Can you believe that?! There's peace, joy, and anticipation! Don't get me wrong. I cry hard, sorrowful cries that I won't lose my house, or be an embarrassment to my child. It's a balancing act between my fear-addiction and my faith-dedication. There's a battle raging, let me tell you! A battle that is the conflict of this story.

I tell this story for the whole-wide world because it isn't my story, it's His. My story is ugly and not worth reading. His story is gracious, and  lovely, and wonderful.

 And I want to share it with you.

Thanks for walking with me,
Debi