...I reluctantly obeyed

I have a plan for the flow of this blog. There are specific items I want to share with you, and a very special order in which they must be shared. I have epiphanies, a few revelations, several "how have I not figured this out yet!?" moments, all in outline form, carefully written on my bathroom mirror using super cool window markers. It's impressive.

But.....

Today, the script is irrelevant. Since the very SECOND I posted this blog, things have gotten crazy. Crazy good. Crazy God is so good, crazy. I've known He's been at work all along, but my goodness is He working overtime and in tangible ways. Let's do this in chronological order, shall we?

• Posted blog
• Received wonderfully warm feedback from people, near and far
• Received a few job leads, two of which lead to interviews
• Had quick sit down chat with Job A
• Got call back for Job A, second interview and a job offer!!! Elation. Joy. Relief. Time to pray.....
• Had an interview for Job B....no offer
• Created pros/cons list of Job A versus WAITING. I prayed and LISTENED. The message I heard was NO. Don't take this job. Don't force it.

The internal dialogue went a little like this: How in the world can you afford to turn down a job?! Take it. Do whatever you have to do to take care of you and the kiddo. It's not perfect and there's that little piece of you that is uneasy. That's just fear. You can do anything you set your mind to doing. Wait a minute. You do that all the time and chaos, stress, regret tend to follow. You choose something that is "close to right" and decide to tough out the rest. Do it differently. You said you wanted to do life His way. Do it. Listen and OBEY.

As I listened....I clearly heard Him say "I've got this. You are going to be just fine. Relax. Let me take care of this."

I turned it down.

I cannot describe how difficult that was to do. I cannot describe how relieved I was, either. I cried like a baby. A scared, relieved, trusting cry. Ok, God...I don't like it, but I'll do it. Much like a child,  I submitted  because my "daddy" said I must.

• Two hours after declining the job, I opened the mail to find an unexpected escrow refund check. ($$$)
• I cried again. Thank you, Jesus. 
• Two hours after I went to the bank (You know I drove straight there!!) Job B called to offer a position. 
• Pray. Pros/Cons. Listen. Obey. 
• I declined Job B. 

It was easier to do the second time around. I'd had practice with Job A and was riding high on this new assurance that Yes, He would absolutely provide for me. It's so much easier to be BOLD when you hold that truth in your heart.

• Temp boss asks if I can stay on an extra 3 weeks. Thanks again, Jesus. You said you had this taken care of, and you sure do! (I haven't told you that I'm at a little temp job right now. Fraction of my previous pay, no insurance)

Have any of my titles or circumstances changed? No. I'm still sitting in the 40-single-unemployed spot. (well, underemployed, which believe me, feels the same)

What has changed is my faith. My trust in Him to do what He says He will do. He did not provide in the way I thought He would. I thought a job would be the answer. He is not working on my time frame. I've moved my "have a job by now" deadline several times. This temp job has been extended three times....

 He is beyond a shadow of a doubt my security and provider.

Before all this took place, I would say those words. I believed them in my head. Very rarely did I act on them. Very rarely did I "walk the walk". I chose to obey this time and I feel stronger, calmer, more confident. Where's the chaos? Where's the stress? It's gone, along with me doing things my way. How?

FAITH built from obedience.

Thanks for walking with me, (after these last two weeks, let's walk slowly. I'm tired!)
Debi

**PS Remind of this next time I think I'm super smart and know what to do.

**PS again: With all this "doing it God's way" and everyone offering support and job leads...I find it curious no one has attempted to set me up on ONE date. Not one. I guess you all know that a mere mortal man couldn't come close to "fixing" all of this. You guys are smart. I was kinda sorta hoping a sugar daddy would come and kill two birds with one stone, if you know what I mean (I joke, I kid.....)

....I decided to go public

Why in the world would I want to tell my story all over the internet? Especially when, at this point in the journey, it's mostly hurt, disappointment, and regret?

It could be misconstrued that I'm looking for pity. (OK maybe a little. C'mon we can acknowledge I'm in a pickle and a little sympathy never hurt, right?)

Or encouragement. (I'm happy to report that I have received no hate mail....yet. I have been showered with optimism and love and I savor every bit!)

While I might get a little dose of those me-centered benefits, that's not the reason. Telling a story, sharing a message, proclaiming something larger than myself has been a whisper in my heart for several years. I've known there is a message I'm supposed to relay. Something that must be shouted from the roof tops. Seriously...It's like I need to YELL the message, but nothing comes out. I don't have the words.  I don't remember exactly when or how it started. There was no neon sign, nor burning bush. No person telling me I should do it, nor revelation-filled dream. Simply this desire, an urge, a warm feeling that when I meditate upon it, grows and swells until I have emotion-filled tears. Not happy. Not sad. Just emotion.

So if this has been brewing for years, why now? I guess I'm getting tired of being scared. I'm tired of fearing failure.I'm tired of hearing me "yeah but" myself with all the reasons I "can't".

But mostly, I'm tired of ignoring God.

All my "can'ts" and "won'ts" and fears and rationalizations have not extinguished the fire. It comes back. every. time. I've distracted it with my job as a counselor. I've diverted it with going back to school. I've hushed it with busyness, relationships, and even laziness. Yet it remains.

That's the Holy Spirit. That's not my desire. It's God's. And it's taken me years to acknowledge Him.

Now, it's time to obey.

About this time last year, I prayed intentionally and passionately for God's direction. I knew I wasn't in the right "forever" job. I knew there was something "next" for me but couldn't formulate a plan. I told Him I wanted to do His will. I asked Him to rid me of myself. I wanted Him to guide me, use me, take me where He knows is best.

Then came the break-up. Then came chaos at work. That's NOT what I had in mind!! Ugh....

If there's some big message I'm supposed to be shouting, it makes sense that it should be THIS story. This redemption story. As it unfolds.

There are times, I am EXCITED to see what He's got in store! Can you believe that?! There's peace, joy, and anticipation! Don't get me wrong. I cry hard, sorrowful cries that I won't lose my house, or be an embarrassment to my child. It's a balancing act between my fear-addiction and my faith-dedication. There's a battle raging, let me tell you! A battle that is the conflict of this story.

I tell this story for the whole-wide world because it isn't my story, it's His. My story is ugly and not worth reading. His story is gracious, and  lovely, and wonderful.

 And I want to share it with you.

Thanks for walking with me,
Debi

Step One...

Hello blogging world! My name is Debi. If you only knew me by my current titles, you might call me a failure. A disappointment. Someone to be pitied. At least that's what I've believed about myself, so I assume you might, too.

At this specific moment in time, I have the following titles:

*FORTY
That's 40 years old. To some people that's not a big deal, but in combination with title #2....well, you'll see.

*SINGLE
Yep. 40 and single. Never saw this one coming when I was planning my wedding. Or when I was going through the divorce. I thought...I'm 34. I'm smart and funny and cute. I'm a catch. It won't be too hard to find someone. How stupid was that?! 6 years, two relationships, and no hubby later....We'll talk more about this in days to come.

*UNEMPLOYED
It's an exceptionally long, ugly story. I'll share that with you one day, too. By itself, being unemployed isn't necessarily a horrible thing. It doesn't make first date chitchat too comfortable, though! And couple it with this next thing....

*MOM
I LOVE this title!!! Unemployed single-mom....I do not love.

If these new title had come along over a long period of time, maybe I would have had time to accept them. I could have adjusted. I could have grieved, regrouped, and sailed on to the next life event. We all do that. However 40, single-again, and unemployed happened within 9 months of each other.

I'm not saying this is the worst personal story you've ever heard, it's just my story. And for me, right now, it sucks. I've thrown my pity parties. I've invited others to join me. I've cried big ugly, snot bubble, drooling cries. I've been depressed. Depressed like on those tv commercials with that looming-gray-cloud-that-won't-go-away, Depressed. I am not content in my circumstances (sorry, God) Maybe you or someone you know can relate and we can take this journey together. I have NO intention to continue to let these circumstances, these titles, suck the life out of me. Because I have other titles. Titles that I too often forget:

*BELOVED
*ADOPTED
*PRECIOUS
*BEAUTIFUL
*HEIR
*REDEEMED

The titles are based on unwavering truth.  The others are based on ever-changing circumstances.

So begins our journey together. One in which "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness" prevail. (Galations 5:22) We'll talk about day-to-day stuff, like friendships, parenting, dating, my many thought-provoking revelations I have about random happenings. It'll be good. Good and fruitful.

Thanks for walking with me,
Debi